Thought on TTC (Tongue in Cheek Edition).

10 Thoughts Occupying Your Mind While Trying to Conceive

So you’ve decided to have a baby!! Congratulations! Since the first child you’ve created was a “happy accident” (read- big surprise!) Getting pregnant the second time should be no problem at all… oh wait… you didn’t get a positive pregnancy test the day after you decided to try for a second baby? Weird. Perhaps you’ve shared in some of these less than positive thoughts while trying to conceive (or TTC for those up with the weird shorthand prevalent on every single mommy forum; who can decipher these obscure acronyms, dh, ds?)

1. Better not buy any new clothes, you’ll be growing out of them soon. Can’t buy any maternity clothes, because you’re not entirely sure what size you’ll be during what season. So shopping is out of the question… despite the fact that you’re black pants are an odd shade of gray and 2/3 of your bras are ill fitting.
2. In the theme of putting things on hold… NO VACATION PLANS!! Forget about the talked about trip to Hawaii with the whole family, you should be giving birth right then. Should you go through with that planned all inclusive resort in Mexico? Will they give you the child’s price since you’ll be sans alcohol? Is it worth it to go if you can’t lounge around with a near constant margarita buzz?
3. Keep taking those pregnancy tests, don’t you want to know the absolute earliest time you can? Tests can tell you your pregnant 6 days before your period! Test 6 days before. Negative. 3 days before (those tests are only 60% effective at 6 days early). Negative. Test the day of (If you don’t wake up with your period, you must be pregnant!). Negative. Get your period an hour later. Good job, you’re now down $30 and need to go by tampons.
4. Speaking of getting a negative.. Maybe you should have planned that trip or bought those jeans, because now your whole schedule is off!! Being a little type A is going to really bite you in the ass, because now your perfectly planned birthdate is creeping dangerously close to major holidays…
5. The near constant sex… for one week…because you’re ovulating. Nothing puts a damper on erotic intimacy quite like knowing that the answer to “what do you want to do to me?” is “fertilize you.”
6. And after that week, the wait until you can take the pregnancy test? Horrific. Are my boobs bigger because I’m with child, pmsing or ate too many cookies? Is that slight pain a sign of implantation or my uterine lining being stripped away? Are you exhausted because of the toddler or because youre growing another human? Can I have a drink? Is that allowed?
7. Did you tell people that you’re trying to conceive or are people just so nosy that your near 2 year old has sparked talk of a second round of procreating? Either way, now not only are you waiting to hear some news of a growing fetus, but so is everyone else you talk to.
8. Looking at your child thinking about how you can’t wait to have another? Looking at siblings fighting and immediately changing your mind about wanting more? Are you bipolar, “pms”ing or just in the awful throes of considering that maybe you’re just not meant to have more children? Who knows!
9. If you’re not supposed to look into fertility issues until you’ve been trying for over a year under 30, only 6 months over 30, does that mean if you reach 6 months when you turn 30, do you go to the doctor then or 6 months after that? And why does trying to conceive have to turn into some strange high school algebraic question?
10. And lastly, if the chance of getting pregnant while ovulating is only 30% how in the world did you get pregnant that one time? How are people getting pregnant so often? Does science know anything?
Now go take your basal temperature and lay completely still after you have “nice” sex with the husband while put off the fight you were going to have (because your ovulating!). Happy procreating!!

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